So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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