I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
