Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
