If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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