someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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