How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
