I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
