Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
