watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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