I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
