she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
