You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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