people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
