is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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