Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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