I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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