I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
