I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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