I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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