obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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