If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
