Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
