I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
