the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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