I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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