There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
