Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
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I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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