we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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