I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
