Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
