Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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