Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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