just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
