Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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