I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
