Me too!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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