Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
