Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Actions speak louder than pants.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
