I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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