i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
