sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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