life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
