there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.