My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win