Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
