I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
