I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
