I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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