I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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