I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
