Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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