he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
