How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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