Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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