Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
