My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
