porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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