This house was built for laser tag.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
