oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
