I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you win again, gameday.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
