Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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