I'm eating all of the evidence.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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