I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
