Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
